58 years old! It has been a decade since I was first diagnosed with
lupus. I have fared well. I can play tennis, cook a holiday meal, dance to the golden
oldies, decipher fact from fiction and write blogs. I am doing better than I
was a decade ago and finally emerging from a semi-coma. Well, not literally but
that is what it feels like.
I can talk easily again – at a regular speed and at an
audible level. The speed of my thinking has increased so significantly I have
had to ask friends whether they think I am becoming manic. They have assured me
that I have just become normal again. In
comparison to a few months ago, I am quick with the wit, aware of my
surroundings, and more perceptive of my feelings and those of the people around
me. I am interrupting people less
because I can remember what I want to say until after the other person has
finished speaking.
Being able to experience emotions again does come with a
downside. It does hurt more when a “friend”
tells you that she thinks that you are a hypochondriac. Doesn’t she understand that all of these
weird health problems happen to someone with lupus? And when your sister and
children blame you for their problems, you feel the rejection and anguish.
Experiencing grief and anger is so much more intense. My blood boils because my oldest sister has
been medically neglected in a “care facility” - this has literally raised my
blood pressure. And my discomfort at being hoodwinked into believing the
prescription drugs provided benefits that were worth sacrificing the joy of sex
for so many years is strong. There is safety in being drugged into “unfeeling”
but it means that you miss out on the essence of life.
And then there is the perception of time. This seems
paradoxical but time has slowed down. Maybe it is because I have so many more
hours in the day because I am not sleeping and I am so more efficient in
everything I do. The thought of being bored has even crept into my mind.
So for now, I will go back to my blogging. I will try to
ignore that most of the people I know don’t want to be hear about healthy
living. I will attempt to tone down my
level of proof provided to augment my arguments and let my sources speak for
themselves
My next blog discusses how I emerged from what was thought
to be lupus fog.
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